How to build self esteem

November, 2013

What causes low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is often part of a current problem. For example, if you’re depressed you may feel negatively about yourself, or find it difficult to think positively about anything you do and have done before. It can also be the result of other problems, eg stressful situations, work difficulties, bullying, family and relationship problems or even physical health problems may cause low mood and lead you to think negative thoughts about yourself. If it’s a long-term problem, it can lead you to feel demoralised and to lose self confidence.

When your self-esteem is low, you may view life more negatively, which may lead to a downward spiral of feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness. Low self-esteem can also be related to other problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, relationship problems and social phobia. It is therefore helpful and important for people with low self-esteem to identify and challenge the negative views they may have about themselves, so that they can begin to feel better.

What you can do

• Become aware of Negative Thoughts:
If you have low self-esteem you will probably tend to evaluate yourself in an extremely negative way. When something goes wrong you may become harsh or critical of who you are as a person. The following are examples:
Should & Must – Telling yourself you should have done something differently or must do better next time
Labelling – Putting negative or derogatory labels on yourself, calling self names like ‘idiot’ or ‘stupid’
Generalising – Making sweeping negative generalisations about yourself, like “I always get things wrong”, or “I will never get this right”

• Accept yourself:
A way of feeling better about ourselves is to develop more balanced self evaluations. This involves identifying and acknowledging the positive aspects of ourselves, and the things that we do well. This may take practice if you have had low self-esteem for a while, as you may have learnt to only pay attention to the negative things that you see in yourself, without noticing your other qualities and achievements.
Start by looking for examples of when you’ve been able to do something well. Whatever you come up with, be sure you don’t slip into old habits and do what is called discounting. It may be helpful to ask other people what they think you are good at. You might be surprised by the positive things they say – and this may well give your self-esteem a boost. too.

• Stop discounting and take the credit:
Discounting is when you dismiss something positive about yourself as being unimportant. So you might say something like, “anyone can cook a roast dinner” or “anyone can top up the oil in the car”. Whilst it is true that many people can do these tasks, the truth is that not everyone can, and possibly not as well as you do. So stop discounting things and start giving yourself credit when and where it is due.

• Learn to give and take a compliment:
Most of us need the recognition of others to maintain a good level of self esteem. So why is it that often our reaction to a compliment is to reject or discount it? However when someone says something nice about us, it can have a very encouraging or supportive impact on us, and therefore can be helpful for us to try to really listen and accept this positive feedback.
The act of giving credit to others can also help to build your own self-esteem. Often praising someone is not only very satisfying to the person you compliment, but can also feel good for us. If you can see and acknowledge good things in others you may also begin to find it easier to see and acknowledge positive qualities in yourself. This is therefore a feel good technique that costs nothing and can pay back huge rewards.

• Remember your best bits:
Don’t just accept a compliment, save it in your memory bank for future reference. During your day when you notice a job well done, congratulate yourself and save that memory too. Then at the end of each day take a few moments to review your edited highlights. Do this very consciously and praise yourself for every little thing well done. By allowing yourself to take stock of positive things in this way, you remind yourself that you are good at many things, and over time this can begin to boost your self-esteem a little more each and every day.

• Don’t allow put downs:
When we have a low opinion of ourselves we may have a tendency to tolerate others saying and doing things that they should not. We may put up with poor behaviour because we don’t feel as though we deserve any better. We may accept criticism without questioning it or challenging it. Or we may put other people’s needs first too often, causing us to feel ‘lesser’ in the long term. Allowing put downs increases the negative thoughts and feelings we have about ourselves, and so it is important that we challenge this. Learning some assertiveness skills and techniques may help you to stand up for your own needs, wants and opinions.