October 2013
What’s eating you? Do you feed your feelings?
We eat for many reasons – and most of them are nothing to do with hunger. Do you eat when you are lonely, bored, tired or upset? Or do you eat because it’s time to eat, whether you are hungry or not? Some people use food and drink to medicate themselves – coffee to get them going, chocolate to perk them up, or chips to cheer them up. Food can seem like a mild anti-depressant – a cheerer-upper, used to console ourselves and each other when we feel lonely or sad, or after a relationship break-up or a bad day at work. Sometimes we FEEL empty, yet are stomachs are full.
Some questions:
1: Do you eat food just because it is there? Even when you aren’t really hungry?

2: Do you find it hard to say no when someone offers you something to eat or drink?

3: Do you drink alcohol or eat certain types of foods (eg chocolate) to cope with stress?

4: Do you feel like you NEED a coffee to start your day?

5: Do you use food to reward yourself?

6. Do you use food, snacks or sweets to comfort yourself, or help you feel better?

7. Do you find it hard to leave food on your plate or to throw it away?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, it maybe that sometimes you are using food/drink as a coping mechanism and a strategy for managing the way that you feel. You may be eating and drinking to medicate yourself. Or sometimes you may find it hard to say ‘no’ to other people, or because you have fallen into bad habits like eating when you aren’t hungry or just because it is in front of you. Most people do some of these things sometimes, but some people do most of these things every day. For them, it is the unseen food trap that they have accidentally fallen into – and can’t get out of because they don’t realise they are doing it, and don’t know how to deal with difficult emotions without feeding their feelings.

If you find yourself reaching for chocolate or wine at the end of the day just to unwind, or you open a packet of biscuits after a rough morning, reach for a packet of crisps when you feel bored, or stare into the fridge looking for something to appease your anger or irritation after a row – then, take action.  When you use food to cope with the way that you feel, you are using food for something that food shouldn’t be used for.

You can overcome emotional eating by tracking what you eat and when – and most importantly WHY – and then challenging your thinking and bad habits. The basic rules of good eating remain the same: eat when you’re (really) hungry, stop eating as soon as you start to feel full, stop snacking, eat less junk, eat more good food – and move more.

Here’s a list of the most common emotional triggers I come across. See if you can spot your triggers (they will be different in different places and situations) and then devise better, non-food alternatives to deal with each emotion at the root of non-hungry eating:

Comfort eating
Do you find yourself eating to cheer yourself up, or to calm yourself down? Notice how you feel when something goes wrong – and what you do. What else would help you feel better? Going for a walk, phoning a friend, posting on Facebook, having a long soak – these are all feel-better strategies you could try. Or maybe you could sit with those feelings – after all, they don’t hurt you – and instead work out what they are trying to tell you.

Angry eating
You’re eating in anger if you find yourself turning to food when you feel hurt or while you’re still upset. If you continually push angry feelings back down with food, you will just end up feeling depressed. Then you’ll be angry and depressed.

Lonely eating
Whether you’re alone or not, you can still feel lonely. Do you use food to plug the gap left by a lack of warm loving contact?

Emptiness eating
Some people never seem to feel full. They want carry on eating way beyond when others stop. These people have usually over-ridden their natural appestat so many times they no longer know what it’s like to feel really hungry. They are a just feeding a feeling of emotional emptiness.

Punishing eating
Food can be used as a punishment or even as a tool of self-harm. If you’re upset with yourself, you may eat too much food as a way to punish yourself. If you find yourself eating too much food that you don’t even really like or want, you may be particularly prone to this trigger.

Routine eating
The clock says it’s time to eat, so you eat whether you’re hungry or not. Your natural appestat is over-ridden by ingrained routine.

Bad habit eating
Do you snack every day? Have you invented another time or occasion to eat outside mealtimes? Elevenses? Tea and cake? Supper? Even enjoying rituals like having nibbles with a drink, or a bag of crisps before you eat dinner every day, are common examples of eating out of habit.

Miserly eating
Do you treat yourself like a rubbish bin? Children are so often lectured about leaving food on their plate, because it’s a waste of money and resources, that we can take this lesson into adult life. You do not save money by eating food you don’t need. In fact it costs you more money, because you then have to do something about the excess weight you’re carrying, which usually costs more than just the cost to your health.

Bored eating
You’ve no plans and there’s nothing you particularly want to do… so you reach for something tasty to distract you and fill a boredom gap. Sounds like you? Spot the habit and get up and do something else that interests you

Treat eating
Hurray you’ve done well, you deserve a treat, don’t you? You could give yourself a reward, such as a bunch of flowers, light a nice candle, buy a book, read a magazine, go to the cinema… or you could have a tasty little treat. High fat, high sugar, high starch. No thanks – it’s junk, and your body won’t thank you for it.

The legacy
It’s not good – the long-term result of emotional eating is that it makes you feel worse about yourself, not better. Most people who feed their feelings end up eating more than they need to, and this can lead to a life-long struggle with their weight and endless diets that don’t work because they do not address the root of the problem.  When you use food to medicate yourself and to help manage your mood or deal with uncomfortable feelings, you will always end up eating too much and too much of the wrong type of foods. In the end, feeding your feelings will only lead to worse feelings. Feelings like guilt, disappointment and self-loathing. And so your feelings go round and round and down in a vicious circle – unless you stop and listen to them.
Action Plan
Track your triggers by keeping a note of every time anything passes your lips which is:

• more than you want to eat
• or something you don’t want to eat
• or at a time when you shouldn’t be eating
  Ask yourself:
• Were you really hungry?
• What were you thinking? What exact thoughts were going through your head as you decided to eat?
• How were you feeling? Sad? Bored? Frustrated? Angry? Rebellious? Sod it!? Etc…
• How will it change your feelings? Will you feel rewarded, treated, comforted, punished…?
• What can you do instead of eating/drinking? What else will help?
  Prepare some ideas in advance, decide which one’s best for this feeling and this situation… and do it

September 2013
The wagging finger words
Imagine you were told that you must eat a slice of cake every day this year. Notice how suddenly cake doesn’t seem so appealing?  We are all prone to ‘demanding thinking’, using the words, ‘should’, ‘ought’ and ‘must’, to some
extent. However, the more we use these words, either in our thinking or when we speak, the more pressure  we put on ourselves.  The more wagging-finger words we have weighing down on our shoulders, the more we are likely to feel frustration, disappointment, anxiety, guilt and depression.
The word ‘should’ can be traced back to the Anglo-Saxon word ‘sceolde’; undoubtedly we are scolding ourselves when we use it. Most people learn this type of thinking during childhood, when we first learn about right and wrong, and take pleasure in pleasing others by ‘doing the right thing’. However, sometimes these ideas get overblown or become too rigid, and then we become more critical towards ourselves or others.  So mind your language and avoid thoughts such as ‘I must’, ‘I ought’ and ‘I should’ and instead be guided by your real positive motivations, eg I want… I like… I enjoy…

August 2013
What is CBT?
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a short-term psychological therapy,
suited to specific problems such as:
stress, bullying, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, post traumatic
stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), eating disorders,
addiction, relationship problems, self-esteem, anger management and assertiveness.
Faulty thinking patterns impact your mood, your emotional wellbeing and cause
‘bad’ behaviour. They can seriously affect your ability to work, sustain good
relationships and enjoy life. CBT can help you to improve your mood, feel better
and change your behaviour.

* CBT is a structured therapy which examines individual thoughts, attitudes and beliefs
and focuses on your behaviour in response to these thoughts.
* It’s based on the principle that feelings, negative thoughts and subsequent actions
are caused by how we think about and interpret what life events mean to us.
* CBT encourages you to challenge old ways of thinking and behaving – and to
create alternatives.
* It takes account of the complex interaction between what is happening in the
body, thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
* You and the counsellor work together to establish goals to focus on.
* The counsellor will agree tasks with you to be practised in and between
sessions so that you will learn to change your own thinking patterns and
behaviour and manage painful feelings.
* Examples of tasks may include relaxation exercises to reduce anxiety; keeping
diaries to monitor thoughts, feelings and behaviours, or completing activity schedules to
increase awareness of how you spend your time and how this impacts on mood.

July 2013
Can you change your mind?
Would you like to become a more positive thinker, feel calmer and less anxious? Did you see the recent Horizon documentary presented by Michael Mosley on The Truth about Personality – and whether it could be changed?  It’s well worth a watch. It’s now off BBC iPlayer, so try this link instead:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs046iOPlqM

I have always believed that while we can change some behaviours and even our thoughts (with effort and practice) it isn’t possible to change our basic personality once set.  Well… Mosley set out to see if he could quite literally ‘change his mind’. He wanted to worry less and feel happier, and become a ‘warmer more open person’.

After seven weeks of working with two techniques, Mosley found that he had reduced his bias towards negative thinking and anxiety to a significant degree. He had actually become a more positive thinker. One of the exercises he did was to pick out smiley faces from a group of other faces with angry/scared/puzzled/straight facial expressions. He did this repetitively, every day over several weeks. This is called Cognitive Bias Modification or CBM, and the idea is that you train yourself to seek out the positive rather than the negative. There are apps for programmes like this, but I reckon you could achieve similar results by going through a newspaper/magazine every day with a highlighter pen and mark all the happy faces (and ignore the rest).

The other technique Michael practised was relaxation and meditation – he did just 10 minutes or so each day and started to feel positive results immediately. To see if you would benefit from something like this, you could try the the  free guided relaxation/meditation download here:
http://www.therapyonthames.co.uk/news

If you would like to become more positive and less anxious, I reckon Mosley’s system is worth a try. Interested?  If so, do watch the documentary, and if like me you feel inspired to retrain your brain, you could put yourself on a similar programme to Mosley with a few adaptations. I would love to hear how you get on, so do email me about your experiences if you try it.
PS
Incidentally, you can make yourself feel happier instantly, by moving your mouth into a big smile shape. Try it now. See it works?  Now hold a big smile for at least 30 seconds and see how much better you feel. The effect will wear off after a while, but then you can just give yourself another boost with another forced smile.

 

June 2013
Time for change
Sometimes in life we know that it’s time for a big change, whether it’s your home, your relationship, your status, or your occupation. Sometimes it’s about changing lifestage, say from partner to parent, parent to empty nester or worker to retiree. It’s best if we plan and build these changes into our lives and decide when we’re ready to move on ourselves. When other people pull these important strings, perhaps due to divorce or redundancy, we end up facing the worst moments in our lives when we’re also in shock and loss.
Therapy can be a good place to talk over the changes you may be thinking of making and explore what aspects of your life are ready for review and perhaps a change for the better.

May 2013
Control and controllers
It is impossible to control life, including most of what happens to you and how people will react to you. If you can give up the need to always control situations, outcomes and other people, you will be much more content, balanced and happier in yourself. If you have been described as a perfectionist, then you could well be a controller. Do you tend to agree with the idiom ‘If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself?’ Yes? Then you’re probably a controller.

Or perhaps you’re very good at controlling yourself? Do you fanatically count calories or exercise minutes? Are you a workaholic? Or maybe you organise your waking hours into a tight immovable schedule? Or perhaps you keep everything super clean? If you become too rigid about the way things are done at the expense of flexibility and spontaneity, then you’re also going to make yourself unhappy.

Controlling behaviours are a sign of anxiety in overdrive. Your demand for perfection and fear of failure may mean you never find peace. Therapy can help you identify your controlling behaviours and help you find ways to ‘let things be’, which is one of the routes to inner calm.

April 2013
Who dares wins
‘Life shrinks or expands according to one’s courage’ according to Anais Nin, and I agree. Why do we let fear hold us back? And what is the fear? Is it fear of failure? Yes, sometimes we over-estimate the cost of getting things wrong before we start, which stops us getting going and taking the good chance of getting it right, or nearly right. Or could it be fear of success? What would happen if it was a success, or you were really, really good at this thing you want to do? How would that change your life? Does that feel scary too? So often we discard our dreams and pet projects because we’re not sure they will work out, but what have we gained from not going ahead? Nothing. What’s the benefit in that?  Zilch. As a therapist I know that if you let fear and doubt creep up on you it will suck the walls of your life inwards and block you in, but if you keep pushing your walls out, trying new things and literally expanding your horizons and you will reap the rewards in self esteem, confidence and happiness.

Most of us learned in childhood that mistakes were bad (remember those big red angry ‘X’s in your school books?) and so we learned to fear getting things wrong. We all worry about making bad mistakes, but surely it is better to take a few calculated risks. At least if you try something new at the very least you will learn from the experience – because without doing there is no learning, and without learning there is no growing. And not growing leads to stagnation.  So instead of thinking that mistakes are bad, try to think of them as part of the normal process of learning.

We need to confront our fear of being wrong, or being seen as ‘stupid’. That fear stops us doing so many things: whether it’s asking directions or asking for help; or applying for jobs we’re attracted to, or asking someone out we’re attracted to.

Remember that you don’t discover new worlds without losing sight of the shore. Have courage. Dare yourself to try. It isn’t the perceived difficulty that is stopping you, it is because you have got out of the habit of daring to dare, and that makes things seem more difficult than they are.

March 2013
Carl Jung said…

• Seldom, or perhaps never, does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crises
• Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children, than the unlived life of the parent
• The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases
• Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves
• Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes
• The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed
• There is no coming to consciousness without pain
• Emotion is the chief source of all becoming-conscious. There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion.
• Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
• The conscious mind allows itself to be trained like a parrot, but the unconscious does not — which is why St Augustine thanked God for not making him responsible for his dreams.
• Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity
• Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people
• Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune.
• Naturally, every age thinks that all ages before it were prejudiced, and today we think this more than ever and are just as wrong as all previous ages that thought so. It is sad but unfortunately true that man learns nothing from history. (1960).

February 2013
Loss
Loss comes in many guises and is one of the most difficult emotional pains that we all have to bear at some point in our lives. Feelings of utter grief and despair follow such experiences as the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, a redundancy, or the permanent loss of good health or mobility.
When faced with a difficult loss there are five stages that many people go through, which include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
These stages are known as the Cycle of Grief and were first identified in bereavement counselling, but are now applied to all types of situations where a major ‘loss’ has occurred. Therapists look out for signs that their clients are moving through these stages after any loss where a feeling of bereavement exists, such as when you lose a job, your partner or your health. The stages do not necessarily follow the typical order above, and not everyone goes through every stage, however, women are more likely than men to experience all five stages.  Sometimes there is a ‘switchback’ effect, too, where you keep going back to an earlier phase before finally working through it.
Grief and loss after a break-up
Here’s how the grief cycle might pan out after the loss of a close relationship:
Denial – After a break up, the person who had the least control over the ending may be unable to admit or accept that the relationship is really over, eg they may continue to call their ex frequently, or keep trying to see them. They may hope or believe that the split is just a phase and their partner will eventually change their mind or realise they have made a huge mistake.
Anger – When the reality sets in and the one who has been left realises that the relationship really is over, they may become very angry and typically try making big demands, such as knowing the minute detail of what happened and why – and then reject the reasons given. In this phase they often feel like they have been treated unfairly and that life itself is unfair. Their fury can also be directed at other people close to them who are trying to help.
Bargaining – After the anger stage, the bereft partner may try to plead their case with their former partner, promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again, eg “I will stop drinking right now”; “I can change. Please give me one more chance”.
Depression – Next they might feel discouraged that their pleading did not convince their former partner to change their mind. This will tip them into the depression stage and can cause a return to sleepless nights, low mood, marked changes in eating patterns (far too much, or far too little) and disrupt daily life such as performance at work or the desire to go out and be with others.
Acceptance – As people finally begin to accept their loss, so they begin to move on. This is the last stage, although it is fair to say that some people may never get over a big loss completely. However, they do realise that there is no going back and they stop going over and over events. They reach the point where they can accept the full reality of the situation and that the relationship is well and truly over.

January 2013
Happy New Year!
50 little lessons for life
This month, I’ve adapted a post doing the rounds on Facebook and written some more little rules for life and living:
Life isn’t always fair, but it is mostly good.
The person you envy most is certain to feel their life is incomplete in a hundred ways.
In the centre of your being you have the answer. Inside, you know who you are and you know what you want.
Bad feelings hurt, but they don’t kill you. Listen to them – they tell you what you need.
Dwell on your dreams… they are the window to your inner world.
Learn to say no – without apologies, explanations or excuses.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
You don’t have to win every argument.
Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
Make a plan for your retirement by the time you’re 25.
Make peace with your past or it will screw up the present.
It’s OK to let your children see you cry sometimes.
Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
Pay off your credit cards every month.
Get rid of anything that isn’t beautiful, memorable or useful. Clutter weighs you down.
Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
It is never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
Anxiety happens when you live in the future. Depression happens when you live in the past. Live in the here & now.
When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the pretty lingerie, go out in your best new shoes, drink the good wine – don’t save anything for a special occasion. Today is special.
Be authentic and eccentric now. Don’t wait until you’re older to say, do or wear what you want.
The most important sex organ is the brain.
No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’ Then decide whether it’s worth your tears, worry, sanity…
It is possible to forgive but not to forget. But you can’t truly forgive until you are ready.
You will never know what most other people really think of you – and it isn’t worth worrying about anyway.
Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
Your children only get one childhood.
All that truly matters in the end is that you loved and were loved.
Get outside every day. Happiness won’t knock on your door and miracles are waiting everywhere.
Life is much shorter than it first seems – so grab it, live it, enjoy it.
If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have.
People will forget what you said & forget what you did, but never forget how you made them feel.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
When in doubt, just take the next small step.
Please do not feed the fears.
Anger pushed down becomes depression.
Remember you can be an actor. When you’re fearful, act as if you’re powerful.
Live without pretending; love without depending; listen without defending, speak without offending.
When one door closes, another one opens. But not always straight away and you won’t see it if you’re still fretting over the one that closed. Move on.
The most common lie is ‘I’m fine’.
Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
The best may well be yet to come…

December 2012
Christmas is coming…
… a time for love, laughter, feasts and gifts. But not always.
Christmas is a dreadful time for the recovering alcoholic, surrounded by reminders, triggers and easy access. It’s a poignant time for the bereaved, who remember how Christmases were before. It’s a dismal time for the depressed, who see the contrast between the well and the unwell more clearly than ever. It’s a challenging time for those suffering from eting disorders or social anxiety who are faced with a circuit of festivities. For those out of work, or on low income, the financial challenge of Christmas is enormous. And everyone who thought they were stressed before can say hello to whole lot more.
There’sa lot going on behind the jolly masks people put on at Christmas. So, be gentle with yourself, your friends and family. A smile, a hug, a kind word, a held hand, a willingness to listen and lots of help in the kitchen will go a long way.
I wish you love and peace
Rachel
Useful numbers:  
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90
Alcoholics Anonymous: 0845 769 7555
Childline: 0800 1111
Refuge/Womens Aid (domestic violence):  0808 2000 247
SANEline (mental illness): 0845 767 8000
NSPCC: 0808 800 5000
National Debt Line: 0808 808 4000
Gingerbread (single parents): 0808 802 0925

November 2012
Anxiety: healing vs help
“I like to look at anti-anxiety drugs as a form of emotional painkiller. The purpose of pain medication is not to mend the fracture or close the wound that causes the pain, but to make the time it takes to heal more tolerable. It would be denial or plain ignorance if you would drown out the pain without tending to its root causes. If fear and anxiety are like physical pain, then their natural purpose must be to call your attention to the deeper emotional and mental wounds they are caused by. What if tending to these inner wounds—whether they are unresolved traumas, self-sabotaging patterns, or limiting beliefs—could lead to greater peace, wholeness, and self-empowerment? Would it still be enough for you to just fix and get rid of fear and anxiety? Or would you want to take advantage of their true meaning, heal yourself from the inside out, and gain access to your true potential? This is what I call the healing power of fear and anxiety.”
Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD, talking about The Fear and Anxiety Solution.

October 2012
Recovering from a Trauma
Have you ever felt traumatised?
Trauma, post-traumatic stress and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are anxiety responses caused by experiencing or witnessing frightening events. You will probably have heard of PTSD in relation to war and combat, but it is also
common after any awful experience. For example, a serious road accident, a natural disaster, a medical emergency, a terrorist attack, a violent assault, rape, mugging or burglary, or witnessing any of the above, could all bring on
post-traumatic stress. It can develop after any situation where you felt extreme fear or helplessness.

Someone who is traumatised may feel emotionally numb to begin with, but later they will often continually relive the traumatic event through nightmares, intrusive images and vivid flashbacks, and they may experience feelings of
intense distress, irritability, isolation and guilt. Sleep patterns become disturbed and concentration dips. They may also become hyper-vigilant and are easily startled or panicked. Sufferers may try to avoid further distress by keeping busy and avoiding places and situations that remind them of the trauma.

REWIND is one of the newest and most exciting techniques to put an end to post traumatic stress for most people. It is fast and efficient – and I am fully trained and certified to use it. It works by providing you with a mental ‘box’into which traumatic memories can be locked away, and only you have the key. Once locked, the flashbacks, nightmares and intrusive thoughts and images disappear. Recall due to triggers such as places, people, smells, sounds,
seasons, etc, also cease.

I believe REWIND works by helping you move the traumatic experience into a different area of your brain. To explain: say your brain is divided into active and passive areas; you are using the active bit now reading this, but there is a
huge passive area out of your consciousness where your lasting memories are stored. Your experiences go into the active section first and then move into the memory area, leaving you clear to function in the here-and-now. However, when we experience a life threatening event, the structures in our brain which guard the entrance to the memory bank (the amygdala and hippocampus) aren’t able to process the experience adequately and block the traumatic event from passing through. This means the experience stays front-of-mind and you will be left trying to cope in other ways, such as by keeping busy, concentrating on other things and avoiding all situations that may remind you of the trauma. This works reasonably well until some tiny thing like a smell, or a scene on TV, reminds you of the horror and sets you off again.

The Rewind Technique is a talking therapy and involves a specific guided visualisation technique led by your therapist. It usually only takes one session to move the traumatic event past the ‘guard’ and into your memory bank. You can
then move on, because you are back in control and can decide whether you wish to recall the event or not, just as you would with any other memory. If you do decide to revisit the traumatic event, you can unlock it with the key – your own
choice – and know that when you are finished it will go back into its mental box.

September 2012
Mood lifters
This month in Good Housekeeping magazine (October issue, page 141), I’ve written about my 3 favourite mood lifters, so I’m sharing then here too:
1. Our own negative self-talk can often kick off a blue mood. If you catch yourself putting yourself down, say ‘Stop that!’ and swap it for a compliment, such as reminding yourself of a couple of things you have done well recently.
2. Smile! Putting on a false smile by moving your lips into a big smile shape makes you feel happier instantly. This works because it gets the ‘happy’ neural pathway firing.
3. Count your blessings. Before you go to sleep, think about all the good things that happened in the day, no matter how small, eg the sun shone all morning, or that text from x made me smile. There will be more good moments in your day than you would first guess.

August 2012
Change
Woman magazine recently asked me why people often dream up big ideas or decide to make dramatic changes to their lives while they’re on holiday. It got me thinking about the process of change and why it sometimes seems so hard to make positive changes in our lives – or to ourselves.
It reminds me of the old light bulb jokes:

Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change
or
A: None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready

I’ve often noticed that small positive changes lead to bigger bolder moves, as though the confidence and rewards we get from trying new things encourage us to move ever onwards. When we’re on holiday, the change of scenery and pace, together with new experiences, can put us in the right frame of mind and that’s when the magic happens. When I have a germ of a new idea on holiday, even if it’s just the smallest seed of change,  I write my thoughts down on a picture postcard of my favourite place and send it to myself.  Sitting on my mantelpiece at home, the scene on the front takes me back to the moment and so the seed of change gets sown… and grows and grows.

July 2012
This crazy little thing called love
When you fall in love you feel wonderful! You may think you have found your other half, someone who really makes you feel good. It’s as though you feel complete at last:  smarter, funnier, sexier, happier… and you feel safe.

So why is it that months or years later, you can find yourself thinking that things aren’t so good or that the other person has changed? Often it’s when you move in together that things can start to go downhill. You discover that your partner has qualities that you don’t like and that they are not quite the person you thought they were. The differences seem to magnify over time, then resentments set in and begin to niggle away and the arguments soon start.

What has gone wrong?

You may think you had complete freedom of choice when you fell in love, but it’s likely that your unconscious had its own agenda. The psyche is constantly trying to repair the damage done in childhood from your unmet needs and so it looks for a partner who can give us what our parents could not. It looks for someone who embodies all their positive and negative qualities in an attempt to create experiences which will heal the hurts we have carried for many years, even since birth.

So if you are a risk-taker you may seek someone who is more solid; if you find it hard to show affection you may adore someone who showers you with hugs and kisses; if you are shy you may be drawn to someone who is more sociable, etc, etc. To begin with we enjoy these differences. However, eventually our own traits – risk-taking, affection-avoiding, shyness – rise up in protest. We find we are uncomfortable with the differences and criticise our partners for being too sensible, too touchy-feely, too gregarious… too this, too that.

It’s important to understand and accept that such conflict is bound to happen in close relationships. Indeed, this is healthy as it is a sign that the psyche is trying to get its needs met and become whole. So the first stage of a relationship – romantic love – is supposed to end. And the second stage – the power struggle – is about learning to accept and adapt to the reality of your partnership. Many couples’ problems are rooted in the ‘power struggle stage’ typified by arguments, crossed wires and tears because each person has a strong sense of self. The couple may start to avoid certain subjects – or each other, or else they try to manipulate events and their partner in order to get their own needs met. To get through the stage successfully, each partner must understand and accept the reality of the other person and that it will never be the same as our own – to accept them and love them as they truly are, rather than as idealised extensions or reflections of ourselves.

Couples counselling can be of enormous help when partners get stuck in this stage.

June 2012
PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
If you suffer from flashbacks or nightmares about traumatic events, or find yourself avoiding certain places that remind you of bad experiences, no matter how long ago, you may be suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
I use the Rewind technique for safe, fast and effective results for PTSD. I have been trained and certified by the founder of Rewind, Dr David Muss. Read more about the technique here:
http://www.artt.org.uk

Need to talk now?
Useful numbers
Mind: 0300 123 3393 (office hours)
Sane: 0845 767 8000 (evenings)
Samaritans: 0845 790 9090 (24 hours)

May 2012
Anger management part II
10 ways to release your anger:
It is not a good idea to continually suppress negative feelings, such as anger, as this will lead to other problems, such as depression or high blood pressure (there is an old therapy saying that ‘depression is anger turned inwards’). Instead, think of your emotions as like a shaken up cola bottle. Rather than opening the bottle at once, let the pressure go in small spurts, a little at a time, until it has all been let out safely. So when it’s practical to do so, let your anger go slowly and safely. Here’s how:

1. share the story and your feelings with a good friend
2. talk it through with your therapist or counsellor
3. go for a brisk walk or a run
4. work-out in the gym
5. thump a pillow
6. have a good shout in your (parked) car
7. write out your thoughts and feelings or keep an anger diary
8. get the vac out and have a good cleaning session
9. tear up a newspaper or pop some bubble wrap
10. read about how to behave assertively (not aggressively)

Anger management part I
10 ways to manage your anger
Anger is a natural human emotion, and can help you respond with passion and power when you need to. It was a useful feeling in pre-civilised times as it worked as an automatic defence mechanism, enabling people to defend themselves and their families when under attack. It is an adrenaline-fuelled response, and if allowed to get out of control will lead you to want to fight – with your fists or your voice, or both. In modern times, of course, it is usually not appropriate to let your anger get out of control whether you’re at work, at home or out in public.

As an adult, you can do a lot to manage your anger to a certain degree (see the strategies below), however anger management issues usually indicate that there is a larger problem that needs to be resolved before much progress can be made. A psychotherapist will want to work with you to unearth the root cause of your anger and why you are so quick to lose your temper or lose it to a dangerous degree. It may be that you grew up in an angry family and copied the behaviour from the generation above you. It may be that you are suffering from stress overload and lack of sleep. Or, it could be that you have experienced (or witnessed) abuse or a traumatic event as a child or adult.
When the purple mist comes down you may not be able to control your thumping heart or your reddening face, but some things are still under your conscious control. Ten things you can do to help get through the moment are:

1. Tell yourself to ‘Stop! And calm down’
2. Look away and take a few deep, slow, breaths
3. Count to ten before you do or say anything
4. Take a few steps backwards
5. Lower your voice, and talk slowly and calmly
6. Deliberately distract yourself by concentrating on something else, such as saying the alphabet backwards in your head
7. Think of a calm friend and what they would do in the same situation
8. Don’t raise your hands – hold your arms loosely by your sides, or hold your hands together behind your back if necessary
9. If necessary, walk away from the situation before you blow
10. Spend a few minutes in the loo until you feel calmer

April 2012
7 secrets of happy relationships
1. Communication
Keep talking, keep listening, keep caring. When couples stop talking to each other the relationship is all but over. Good communicators are able to share their thoughts and feelings honestly, and refrain from criticising, whinging, shouting or nagging. Good communicators are better at resolving conflict, too and are ready to forgive or apologise when necessary. This is the big one.
2. Support
Good partners are a team, joined at the hip and stronger facing the world together. You’ll both have career, money, life, death and luck blips in your lifetime – be there for their downs and you’ll still be there together to share their ups.
3. Play
Sometimes the old sayings are the best. ‘Couples who play together stay together’ still holds true whether you’re 18 or 80. Whether you share a passion for sport, partying, gardening or travel, the more you like doing things together the more you’ll cement and strengthen your relationship.
4. Respect
With mutual respect no-one gets shouted down, walked-over or stuck with all the horrid jobs. With love and respect comes fidelity and all the perks of being trusted, loved and appreciated.
5. Freedom
Allowing, or better still encouraging your partner to grow and develop, even if it means more time away from the relationship, is a wonderful gift if it’s given happily and without jealousy or unreasonable limitations. If people feel free they don’t feel the need to escape.
6. Romance
Intimacy and romance is as important twenty years down the line as it is during courtship. From holding hands to sharing a sofa, from kissing to a comfort cuddle, show you still care by setting aside time to just be together. Candles, chocolate and flowers still help too!
7. Sex
Good partners care about how to please their partner sexually. They’re attentive, responsive and tender. As the couple matures, so does a good sex life.

March 2012
21 Blues Busters
Many of my clients tell me that their mood lifts in Spring. It’s as though the sense of renewal and new life combined with more light and longer days is nature’s anti-depressant. Help nature help you by remembering a few things you can do to lift your mood on demand. Here’s a few of my favourite ways to beat the blues:

1. Phone a friend – have a catch up, or better still arrange a meet-up. Spending time with good friends is very good for you.
2. Just dance! In the bedroom, in the kitchen, wherever. Put on some music and move.
3. Touch someone – a hug, cuddle or even a held hand is calming and comforting.
4. Do a favour – helping someone else, or supporting a good cause makes you feel good too.
5. Eat (a little) chocolate – the N-acyclethanoloamines in chocolate stimulate the brain to release endorphins.
6. Try therapy – increased self-awareness and insight help you to take action and make the right changes.
7. Laugh out loud – the old saying laughter is the best medicine is still true today. Your prescription? A DVD box set of the TV series that makes you howl.
8. Add some scents – indulge all your senses with your favourite fragrances – on your self, in your home and in your life.
9. Take a walk – under some trees, over a field, up a hill, beside a brook. Nature’s little healers are good for the soul.
10. Get a smile back – smile at a random (pleasant-looking) stranger today and wait for the reaction.
11. Sing your heart out – in the shower or in a choir. Look what it did for the military wives.
12. Create something special – whether you bake, sew, draw, paint or write, making something new and unique is therapeutic.
13. Say it with flowers – add a splash of colour, a hint of scent and a touch of nature in your home with a few fresh blooms.
14. Pamper yourself – have a spa experience at home, preferably with a good friend. Put on a face mask, shape your eyebrows, paint your nails and slather yourself in smellies.
15. Take regular exercise – 20 minutes, three times a week is good for mind and spirit, as well as the body.
16. Bathe – a good old soak in a bubbly bath is a great way to cleanse, wind down and relax.
17. Count your blessings – before you go to sleep, count up all the good things about the day just gone.
18. Make some me-time – give yourself an hour, two or three times a week to do exactly what you want. Put it in the diary to make sure it happens.
19. Have a clearout – whether you just sort your sock drawer or re-do a whole room, you’ll feel much better for being a bit more sorted.
20. Prioritise yourself sometimes – if you don’t, no-one else will.
21. Smile! Did you know that if you put on a smile by moving your lips into a wide smile shape, it makes you feel happy by getting the neural pathways firing? Go on, try it now…

Anxiety – what causes it and can you cure it?
Do you worry all the time, or feel unsafe and vulnerable? Are you scared of flying, taking the lift or going down into the tube? Or perhaps you suffer from full blown panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or agoraphobia? If so,  you are one of the growing army of people suffering from an anxiety-related condition.

Where did your anxiety come from? After all, you can’t catch it or inherit it, so how did it get there? Sadly, you may have unwittingly caused it yourself by not challenging some of your irrational thoughts about life or yourself, until they have become firmly held beliefs, albeit at an unconscious level. Or perhaps a recent stressful event, eg an attack or accident  remains unresolved. Or often it’s an issue from earlier in your life that is still popping up and causing distress in the here and now. Sometimes, too,  we have been influenced by anxious parents and their way of coping (or not).

Most anxieties start with fear or stress. Our own (often groundless) thoughts and beliefs lie at the root of anxiety and cause the symptoms and behaviour which we experience. Thoughts like: ‘this plane is unsafe, I’m afraid I’ll die’; ‘I am vulnerable on this road, I could get hurt’; ‘I’m scared I’m going to fail this test’, or ‘people will see me struggling and laugh at me’ trigger and perpetuate that horrible panicky feeling. So unless the underlying issues are identified and addressed, they will continue to cause anxiety, and consequently cause your anxiety to persist and return again and again throughout your life.

Therapy can help you identify the all-important reasons behind your anxiety condition. Once the root causes have been unearthed, we can start working on resolving the issues, putting new beliefs in place and reducing the symptoms – breaking the vicious circle of anxiety for good.

February 2012
Relax!       (plus free deep relaxation tape to download)
Can you remember the last time you were truly relaxed?
Relaxation is one of the most effective things you can do to promote and protect your mental health. I often recommend that clients with symptoms of anxiety and/or depression get into a good relaxation routine while they are coming to counselling or therapy. Taking time to relax properly and deeply will help prevent the development of stress and anxiety, and if you do your routine at the end of the day it can promote a good night’s sleep.

Everyone experiences stress. It’s not just the corporate big wigs or alpha males who live like birds on a wire. Nurses, teachers and parents to name just three common occupations also suffer from this modern disease. Right now, most workplaces and business are in stress – looking over their shoulder for the next recession or ‘double dip’. It is also very stressful to be unemployed or under-employed.

We have lots of things to worry about, from the state of the world’s finances to the weird weather to what was behind the London riots. We live in a very fast society in the digital age, when texting, emailing and 24/7 availability by mobile has become the new norm. People expect instant answers and we don’t always even have the time to ‘sleep on’ our decisions. Using mobiles keeps us ‘on call’, often when we’re off-duty, or even on holiday.

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress – would you ever study for an exam if you didn’t feel anxious about passing? However, normal anxiety can start to become a worry in itself when it starts to stop you doing things. The good news is that it’s impossible to be anxious, tense or stressed when you’re relaxed, as relaxation is the opposite of stress. Many of us have forgotten how to truly relax and even sleep in a tense position, causing stiff shoulders and tight muscles.

And relax!
For best results, use a good relaxation tape on a regular basis, and it will soon become a lifelong tool. This month I’m offering you a free download of one of my favourite deep relaxation routines. It’s by hypnotherapist Claire Benson of Unstuck Thinking and it’s a Therapy-on-Thames exclusive – just for my clients and blog readers! It won’t hypnotise you, but it will lead you into total, utter, blissful relaxation in just 12 minutes.
Click the link below, and then on the picture of the tree blossom (in right-hand panel). On the Sendspace page click on the bottom box that says ‘Click here to start download from Sendspace’.
http://www.unstuck-thinking.co.uk/mind–body/promotions/therapy-on-thames-a-deep.html

January 2012
Saying goodbye to emotional baggage         (plus free hypnotic recording download)
I often talk about unpacking boxes in the counselling room. We might open a box called ‘My Mother’ or another called ‘My First Marriage’, have a good look inside, a sort through and then decide to discard a few bits you no longer want or need. We then pack the box up again. The New Year seems like the best possible time to de-clutter your emotional world by sorting through some of your baggage.

So let’s have a look at what would be there if you were to do your own Review of the Year. Look back over 2011 and pick out a few events – good and bad – for each season. What have you picked? What upset you and why? What delighted you and why? And most importantly, what can you learn about yourself from these experiences? Pause for a while and answer out loud as though you were talking to me…

Therapy works by processing thoughts and feelings that are caused by distressing experiences in the here and now, or those that arise from past events which you have pushed down because you were not able to deal with them at the time. We all instinctively know that talking our problems through helps us in times of trouble or when we are in distress. Talking seems to take the sting out of our pain, so that each time we talk about upsetting events the pain is reduced until it is comfortable enough to settle in a better place. Most people need to process their feelings, and it helps to talk, think and even dream about them to look at your experiences from all angles. You may need to do this over and over again, and therefore it is most helpful to do this with a trained listener who can help you gain new self-awareness and insights so that you can move forward with your life again.

Socrates said ‘The unexamined life is not worth living’. So let’s examine 2011, say Goodbye to the old stuff holding us back and say Hello to 2012 with renewed hope and optimism. The New Year will be full of opportunities to learn, change and grow. Let’s be ready to grab them with both hands. The track below will help you on your way:
A New Year gift for you
My good friend hypnotherapist Claire Benson has recorded an exclusive free hypnotic download that will help you let go of anything that may be holding you back so you can move forward and make 2012 your best year ever. It’s the perfect partner for this theme. Click on the link below and then on the picture of the happy faces garland:
http://www.unstuck-thinking.co.uk/mind–body/promotions/make-2012-your-best-year.html

My friend Tamzin Freeman who works with acupuncture & energy therapy has shared these essential health and wellbeing tips to help get your new year off to a great start:
7 easy ideas that will make you feel great
1. Drink lots of water (6-8 large glasses a day).  We all know this, but before you spend anything on vitamin pills, therapy or organic food, just do it!
2. Avoid processed food. We’re surrounded by it all the time: white bread, biscuits, white pasta, pastry, cakes, biscuits, white rice, confectionery, carbonated drinks, juice drinks and certain breakfast cereals.  It’s all too tempting, but you’ll feel better without.
3. Avoid sugar.  Check the labels – it’s hidden!  When you start reading labels it seems to be in every food: bought mayonnaise, tomato soup, Special K, cranberries, and that’s the healthy foods!
4. Walk for 20+ minutes a day, ideally in nature, even if just in a park or by the river.
5. Each evening recall 3, or more (!) good things that happened in your day, and dwell on them.
6. Start to notice how you feel, what makes you feel good?  What makes you feel bad, both emotionally and physically, and start to be guided by it.
7. For smokers, when the time is right, save your money and your health and finally kick smoking.  Acupuncture is proven to overcome the cravings and make the transition to a non-smoker easy.  The acupuncture NADA protocol is used in drug addiction clinics and will also work for nicotine addition.
Here’s to a happy and healthy 2012.  If you feel good, anything is possible.
http://www.tamzinfreeman.co.uk/

December 2011
Christmas is coming…
… a time for love, laughter, feasts and gifts. But not always.
Christmas is a dreadful time for the recovering alcoholic, surrounded by reminders, triggers and easy access. It’s a poignant time for the bereaved, who remember how Christmases were before. It’s a dismal time for the depressed, who see the contrast between the well and the unwell more clearly than ever. It’s a challenging time for those suffering from social anxiety who are faced with a circuit of festivities. For those out of work, or on low income, the financial challenge of Christmas is enormous. And everyone who thought they were stressed before can say hello to a lot more.

There’s a lot going on behind the jolly masks people put on at Christmas. So, be gentle with yourself, your friends and family. A smile, a hug, a kind word, a held hand, a willingness to listen and lots of help in the kitchen will go a long way.

I wish you love and peace
Rachel

Useful numbers:  
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90
Alcoholics Anonymous: 0845 769 7555
Childline: 0800 1111
Refuge/Womens Aid (domestic violence):  0808 2000 247
SANEline (mental illness): 0845 767 8000
NSPCC: 0808 800 5000
National Debt Line: 0808 808 4000
Gingerbread (single parents): 0808 802 0925

November 2011
Letting go of your feelings
We are all creative beings, even those of us who are not ‘good’ at art, music or writing. We are natural innovative thinkers and ideas people. That is why the human race has survived and thrived and why therapists often use artistic expression as a way to help people confront difficult feelings. It’s often said that unexpressed anger turns into depression. The ‘unsent letter’ is one of my favourite tools to help people release anger, especially if they have been holding it for a long time. You can do this on your own; just sit down and write or type exactly what you dream you would say given a no holds barred opportunity. Read and re-read it, tweak it and add to it again and again until you feel completely satisfied that nothing has been left unsaid. You will feel a ‘release’ or several little releases as you write and get nearer to the end.

Steve Jobs on Creativity in Wired (1996): “Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn’t really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That’s because they were able to connect experiences they’ve had and synthesize new things. And the reason they were able to do that was that they’ve had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people. Unfortunately, that’s too rare a commodity.” [Wired, February 1996]

October 2011
Feeling your feelings
How are you?
Fine?
Anything else?
If we learn to really feel our feelings, rather than push them down or distract ourselves from them, we will feel better. The first step is to name your feelings, especially the negative ones. So next time you feel your emotions rising up, ask yourself how are you feeling? Are you angry or irritated; bitter or jealous; guilty or ashamed; scared or anxious, disappointed or heartbroken? Notice it, feel it, name it…

September 2011
Anxiety and depression
Is there an epidemic of anxiety at the moment? Barely a week goes by without someone coming to talk to me about one type of anxiety or another: fear of flying to fear of lifts; agoraphobia to acrophobia, social anxiety to workplace stress. It’s often a complicated issue to get to the bottom of, but knowledge is one thing that really seems to help. If you fully understand the body’s adrenaline response and that those waves of anxiety and knots in your stomach, your racing heart and sweaty skin are all down to your body’s over-exuberant release of the stress chemicals – and that this will not hurt you – you have already taken the first important step on the road to recovery.
The other week I went to see Ruby Wax’s show Losing It at the Duchess Theatre in Covent Garden. It’s about her own struggle with clinical depression. Depression is no laughing matter, but her comic approach to the subject helps lift the taboo, while highlighting that one in four of us will suffer from some form of mental health issue at some point in our lives. Ruby is one of those one-in-fours and she is on a mission to help people suffering from depression and bipolar disorder. Like Winston Churchill, she refers to her depression as her black dog and is launching her new website and support groups, BlackDogTribe.com, in November .